Candidate vs. Candidate No. 5: The Northern Illinois Salmon

Candidate

Candidate

[We see a giant fish handing money to Candidate.]
"I propose legislation that protects the Northern Illinois Salmon." "Protecting the Northern Illinois Salmon will have a negative impact on the business interest of key demographics."
"We must ban the fishing of the Northern Illinois Salmon." "The economic impact of the legislation proposed by Candidate will be the devastation of the economy of the entire Midwest."
"If we don't protect the Northern Illinois Salmon they will surely become extinct." "The legislation proposed will cost hundreds of trillions of dollars, which will have to be paid for by raising taxes and severe cuts in Medicare, Medicaid, education, and national defense."
"Protecting the Northern Illinois Salmon will have a very minor effect on local economies. We can protect the Salmon and protect the businesses of Northern Illinois." "Who really gives a fuck about the Northern Illinois Salmon anyway? All we can do is eat them and that's what Candidates wants to prevent us from doing."
"The Northern Illinois Salmon are a key part of the food chain and if they die out it will have a detrimental effect on the ecosystem of the Midwest." "The Northern Illinois Salmon are evil. They are trying to destroy the human race. The Salmon want to kill your wives and children while they sleep. The Northern Illinois Salmon must be eradicated from the earth."




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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004