Today's Headlines April 19 2006

* Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary resigned today. McClellan, stated that he had resigned to spend more time with his family, in particular his mother, who is running for the Governor of Texas. McClellan, also announced that he has been treated for third degree burns on the lower half of his body, related to his constantly burning pants. Josh Bolten, the new Chief of Staff announced that McClellan had to be replaced because the administration needed to put a new face on its failed policies. When asked why the administration wasn't changing the failed policies Bolton started laughing uncontrollably and ended the interview. The new press secretary will be a monkey, who will throw feces at the White House Press Corps every morning.

* Osama Bin Laden called today for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld. Bin Laden stated has long been a strong supporter of Rumsfeld, due to Rumsfeld's incompetence at defending the United States. When asked why he was calling for the resignation now, Bin Laden stated that it wasn't that the calls for Rumsfeld's resignation was emboldening the enemy, but rather that his suicide bombers were finding it too hard to blow themselves up since they were continually laughing at Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld stated that he would not step down in the face of the request by Bin Laden., stating, "Just because President Bush and Vice President Cheney do what Bin Laden tells them to do, doesn't mean I'm going to listen to Bin Laden. I'm my own man." Rumsfeld went on to note that he still had the support of President Bush and Senator Hillary Clinton.

* Dick Cheney today called for the resignation of George W. Bush as president. When asked why he was calling for the president Cheney stated that that the president had refused to pardon I Lewis (Scooter) Libby and that Libby needed to be pardoned or that Cheney himself would go to jail. When asked what he would do as president Cheney stated that in addition to pardoning Libby, he planned on invading Iran with 40,000 troops, dropping nuclear weapons on France, and shooting Saddam Hussein in the face.

* Michael Chertoff announced that FEMA would begin evacuating and rebuilding San Francisco in response to the great earthquake of 1906. "We have totally cocked up the evacuation and rebuilding of New Orleans and have decided to revisit other natural disasters, San Francisco met the criteria the Department of Homeland Security and FEMA had set forth, namely that the city already be rebuilt and that the city be mostly white."

* In response to Iran's announcement that it had enriched uranium as part of its nuclear program, the Bush administration will evacuate and reinvade Iraq. The White House Press Secretary, feces throwing monkey, delivered the announcement by throwing a particularly large hunk of poop at Helen Thomas.

* Zacarias Moussaoui took the stand today in his own defense today in the death penalty phase of his trial arguing that he should be put to death, saying, "I am a teapot, death to america, teapots are very orange. Glue is nurple. If I didn't, death to america, attack the US then I am not really a, death to america, terrorist and if incompetence doesn't bar you from being the Secretary of Defense then it shouldn't bar you from being a terrorist, death to america."

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2005