Today's Headlines April 8, 2006

* Katherine Harris announced today that her campaign manager would be replaced by a six foot tall rabbit named Harvey, her campaign would soon have an influx of cash because she found a golden ticket, and that she had inherited the one ring from her father and would be traveling to Mordor to throw it in the fires of Mount Doom. She further stated that she would give hand jobs to anyone who would vote for her and blow jobs to anyone who donates $2000 to her campaign.

* The White House announced today that I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby would be pardoned if he promised to shut up. Libby stated that he would also want to be compensated for his book deal, which chronicles his illicit affair with Lynne Cheney. Libby calls press conference to leak memo titled: "Super Secret White House Memo Number 23." Bush announces pardon and $23 million grant to Libby.

* Tom Delay announced today that he would give up his seat in the House of Representatives if Jack Abramoff promised to delete all of Delay's emails to him.

* Hamas announced today that it would institute cuts in Medicare, Medicaid, and the provision of social services to the poor, due to budgetary constraints caused by the cessation of US aid to the Palestinian Authority. White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, stated that this was an example of the heartlessness of the Hamas government. Meanwhile President Bush announced a proposal to eliminate the capital gains tax and offset such monies by raising the mandatory retirement age of workers earning less that $1,500,000 annually to 95.

* Scott McClellan announced today that Iraq was 80 degrees and sunny and that the cherry blossoms were blooming in downtown Baghdad. When questioned by the press as to casualty reports, McClellan stated that the only thing that matters in Iraq is that Saddam Hussein was no longer in power and since everyone knew that he would only provide the press with weather reports.

* FEMA announced today that it would begin evacuating survivors of Hurricane Katrina to neighboring states. When asked why the evacuation was being planned seven months after the actual hurricane, FEMA spokesman stated that the evacuation was in no way timed to affect the outcome of the New Orleans mayoral election.

* Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi announced the Democratic platform for the 2006 election would be called "The Effective, but not Too Effective Plan to Govern the United States of America with Truth Justice and the American Way and Not Become Too Corrupt While we Bend Over and Take It Up the Ass from Karl Rove for America a Three Hundred and Eighty Seven Point Plan for More Effective Governance and Governing Government by Governesses."

* Justice Antonin Scalia today told reporters to "Fuck off and die." When asked what he meant by "Fuck off and die." Scalia stated that it was an Italian expression meaning to please leave him alone while he walks from his church to his car.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2005