Today's Headlines April 2, 2005

* The White House announced that since polling on Private Social Security Accounts had gone badly, that the plan would now be called Super Duper Social Security Accounts. Scott McClellan, the White House Press Secretary stated, "Karl [Rove] polled several things, Your Accounts, Interest Bearing Accounts, Mutual Fund Accounts, Extra Special Accounts, Ownership Accounts, Non-Government Accounts, Supercalifragilisticexpialidotious Accounts, but Super Duper polled the best."

* Congress today passed a law that Terri Schiavo was not dead. Tom DeLay said, "Republicans do not consider defeat an option. We have passed this law that says Terri Schiavo will stay alive until the Supreme Court hears her parents' petition on her right to live."

* The White House today announced that the UN Report exonerating Kofi Annan, Secretary General of the United Nations, proved that Annan should step down. Scott McClennan, press secretary, stated that only if Annan had done something truly terrible would the report have exonerated him.

* The Central Intelligence Agency has pledged to begin addressing the flaws in its intelligence gathering. In the wake of the report by the presidential commission, a CIA spokesman stated that the CIA was implementing several new intelligence gathering capabilities. Those capabilities are as follows: Instead of the sole intelligence gathering source being watching the Bill O'Reilly show on Fox News, agents will now also watch Hannity and Combs. There is also a proposal to watch the Tucker Carlson MSNBC project. Instead of bugging the offices of democratic politicians in close political races the CIA will now bug the offices of all democratic politicians nationwide. The CIA will provide your nosy neighbor with night vision goggles to better spy on you. Instead of meeting with Dick Cheney and finding out what he wants written in intelligence reports and then tailoring reports to those conversations, now Dick Cheney will write the intelligence reports himself.

* Sandy Berger, former Clinton National Security Advisor, pleaded guilty today to planning the invasion of Iraq based on information whispered to him by dead people. The Bush administration stated that this plea bargain should set to rest the fault for all the problems in Iraq, the CIA, and showed the need for the privatization of Social Security.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2005