Today's Headlines 10/28/03

* President Bush today announced that it was the sailor of the USS Abraham Lincoln that misled the public about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. They also leaked Valerie Plame's name. It is also possible that they were the ones that almost choked on the pretzel.

* The Simi Valley Fire today announced that it had accomplished it's mission in California and that it was now going to work on the business of reconstructing the state.

* Saddam Hussein's former butler to publish tell all book in which he describes Hussein's affair with Barbara Bush.

* President Bush today announced that he would be nominating Lizzie Borden as Secretary of Education, Charles Manson as Secretary of Commerce and Adolf Eichman as Secretary of Transportation. Senate expected to pass all nominations.

* Jurors were shown a tape of former Tyco CEO  Dennis Kozlowski using company funds to pay for kittens which he killed at his wife's birthday party.

* White House announces that solar flares have hindered search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

* The Circuit Court of Appeals in Washington DC today upheld legislation that requires that all humans be implanted with devices to receive advertising from Halliburton.

* Wesley Clark announces that he will skip all the democratic primaries and have himself declared the party nominee on March 15, 2004.

* Upon hearing that democratic Philadelphia Mayor John Street was pulling ahead in the polls, the FBI announced that it did not in fact intend to plant the bugs in his office, but rather had intended on planting bugs in Dennis Kucinich's campaign office in Cleveland, but got turned around.

* The US announced today that it would return to normal relations with Iran if it provided troops to help with the Iraqi occupation.

* President Bush announces he will veto Iraq spending bill if it doesn't include $500 million to reimburse Halliburton for campaign contributions and Dick Cheney's retirement package.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2003