Today's Headlines 9/28/04

* The Bush administration stated today that Osama Bin Laden supported John Kerry for president. Kerry, who seems to be unable to defend himself against a six year old girl with a paper airplane, stated "Did not." Bin Laden, who supported Ralph Nader in 2000 has not in fact endorsed a candidate in 2004. He has, however, funneled approximately $1.3 million into a 527 group by the name of "Radical Islamic Terrorists for Truth." The group, which originally formed to condemn the practice of oral sex by a president, has been running ads talking about how many tens of thousand Vietcong soldiers George W. Bush killed during his time in the Texas Air National Guard.

* The Bush administration announced today that it would utilize the United Nations in coping with the growing crisis over Iran's nuclear program. "The difference between Iraq and Iran is that Iraq WANTED a weapons of mass destruction program, while Iran HAS such a program. We are not going to risk attacking a nation that has nuclear weapons." said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. In related news, Syria announced that it did not want to develop a weapons of mass destruction program, but that it had accidentally found some nuclear missiles in an old abandoned well. North Korea announced that if the US refused to believe that it has nuclear capabilities that it would send a nuclear missile at Los Angeles. In response, President Bush said, "Go ahead, make my day." John Kerry responded by saying, "Please don't." After these responses Bush rose in the polls with California voters by eight points.

* Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi announced that due to polling that he would be reelected that the Iraqi elections would take place as scheduled in January. In a related story Karl Rove announced that the American presidential election would not be postponed due to Republican operatives in the Kerry campaign doing more damage to the campaign than expected.

* John Kerry announced today that he would begin to take campaign advice from Hurricane Ivan. "The campaign is trying to look tougher and get some positive press Ivan was able to do that despite three other hurricanes," a Kerry spokesman said. "Ivan also was nearly downgraded to a tropical storm, but came back and Kerry needs that kind of mojo," said the same spokesman.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004