Today's Headlines 9/25/03

* Soldiers Arrested at Guantanamo Bay for Suspected Homosexuality--Donald Rumsfeld Announces the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was impetus for end to "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy--Rumsfeld states, "The army has always worn green. We can't have our soldiers marching into battle with pink blazers and ascots."--Carson Kressley of "Queer Eye" announced that there was no plan to eliminate green from army coutoure, merely that uniforms would have "jujing"

* Wesley Clark Announces that he would have voted both for and against the American revolution--denies that his position is waffling--"I've never waffled in my life," Clark said--aides later announced that Clark had waffled twice in his youth, but he didn't enjoy it--Lieberman states that this shows conclusively that Clark is the anti-Christ; denies that this is a backtrack from his previous statement that Howard Dean is the anti-Christ

* Bush administration announces plan to capture Osama Bin Laden in October 2004--"Of course we have no plans on affecting the 2004 election, it's just a coincidence," stated Karl Rove. "October is just a good month to capture Bin Laden because he's an autumn."--This October was ruled out by the Eleventh Circuit because of antiquated punch card capturing machines used in Pakistan.

* European Union to contribute 900 pounds of jam to Iraqi Governing Counsel--Bush administration calls this an effort to undermine US legitimacy in Iraq--Haliburton jam production profits fall by 2%

* Telemarketing Companies announce plan to call everyone on the national "Do Not Call List" to make sure they really want off the list

* During Debate Arnold Schwarzenegger hits Arianna Huffington--"I was aiming for Tom McClintock. I would never hit a woman on national TV." said Schwarzenegger.

* Paul Bremer dismisses claim that US did not have a plan for the Iraqi occupation--"The administration clearly had a plan. It just didn't go very well," said Bremer.

* Kobe Bryant suspected in North Carolina middle school shooting

* UN announces that it will cut staff in Iraq by 125%--move in response to uranium found in Iran--"Iran has missile capability than can reach Iraq in eight minutes, so we're outta there," said one UN official.

* Nigerian woman's sentence for adultery reduced from stoning to pillorying.

* Jessica Lynch to wed Matthew Scott, teen who escaped Columbian rebels.

* Zacarias Moussaoui' moves for dismissal on the grounds that the US has not found WMD in Iraq

Back to Today's Headlines Archive

Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2003