Today's Headlines 9/18/03

* In an attempt to turn American Jews against the plan to expel him, Yasser Arafat announced today that if Israel removes him he will retire to Florida

* The White House disclosed today that Dick Cheney's undisclosed location is the eye of Hurricane Isabel

* George Bush announced today that he will be seeking the democratic nomination for president

* Washington, DC closed today because a four year old boy left his family's water hose running in West Virginia

* The National Hurricane Center announced that Hurricanes are inexplicably attracted to the lights on cameras and warned all reporters not to film themselves in North Carolina

* Hurricane Isabel announced a one million dollar book deal for its life story--a tale of a wind that dreamed the dream of becoming a hurricane

* Israel agrees to trade Dick Grasso for Yasser Arafat--NY Stock Exchange announces that Michael Milikin to replace Grasso--Palestinian Authority announces former Liberian President Charles Taylor to replace Arafat

* The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals announced that the recall election will not take place at all and Gray Davis will be declared Governor for Life

* Geraldo Rivera was indicted for treason for notifying Hurricane Isabel of the location of North Carolina

* AOL Time Warner announces name change to "We promise to think things through before our next merger"

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2003