Today's Headlines 9/17/03

* White House releases tape from Saddam Hussein endorsing Dennis Kucinich

* President Bush announces he will give in to gunman at Tennessee college's demand for reducing income taxes on capital gains

* NYSE Board votes to punish Dick Grasso by giving him $500 million

* Seattle votes $35 tax on tea and crumpets

* Bush announces that Clear Skies initiative (you know the one that allows power plants to produce more pollution) will turn daisies into golden figs

* General Tso announces bid for governor of California--Arnold Schwarzenegger worried about splitting the MSG vote tells Tso to drop out of the race or he will go back in time and kill his mother

* General Wesley Clark (Ret.) announces that he is the only viable democrat who can defeat Bush unless he loses the nomination, in which case he'd love to be the Vice President under any of the other candidates

* Joe Lieberman announces that Howard Dean can't be president because his wife is Jewish and the country isn't ready for a president married to a Jew

*John Edwards announces that he is the reason that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez broke up--at press conference reports ask, "Um, who are you were we expecting the guy who talks to dead people."

* Hurricane Isabel downgraded by National Hurricane Center from Horrific Global Catastrophe to Light Mist

* Correction: In yesterday's News we reported that six Americans are being held at a prison in Iraq. In fact it is one American that has been cut into six pieces.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2003