Today's Headlines 8/24/04

* The Bush administration announced today that the economy would no longer be measured in terms of GDP (gross domestic profit) because that doesn't highlight the administration's successes enough. The new measure of the economy, since the GDP shows the country going bankrupt, will be the GDR. The Gross Domestic Raping of the economy measures the economy in terms of the ratio of salaries of CEOs to workers, tracks the number of jobs that have been outsourced to other nations, tracks how mean salaries have been dropping, tracks the ratio of the tax burden on the wealthy to the middle class and poor, and, finally, the shares of Halliburton. According to the GDR George Bush is the greatest president since Herbert Hoover.

* Fox News announced that in order to avoid the confusion of the 2000 election it would call every single state for George Bush at 7:00 a.m. on election day. [No date was specified, pending Karl Rove's announcement of when it will take place.] If Bush concedes in any state, that state will be moved into the "Undecided" column. Not to be outdone by Fox, CNN and MSNBC both projected George Bush the winner of the election.

* The Bush administration announced that the man arrested by Pakistan in the beginning of July, Mohammed Naeem Noor Khan, had planned on disrupting the vote in the United States. Thus, to thwart his plans to interrupt the democratic process they announced his arrest during the Democratic national convention. "It was appropriate to announce this capture a month after it occurred and during the Democratic National Convention because the terrorists want to elect a Democrat." said the White House Press Secretary.

* John Kerry, in an effort to court moderate voters and quell the impression that he is a "flip-flopper" is in the Midwest speaking about his proposals he is talking about fiscal responsibility and tax cuts. He is also talking about gun owners' rights and national security. When asked whether fiscal responsibility was antithetical to tax cuts and gun owner's right contrary to national security needs Kerry began jumping up and down screaming. "I am not a flip-flopper. I have three purple hearts." At this point the crowd began to disburse, however when Kerry began to yell, "I am not George Bush" the crowd started to cheer and scream "Kerry in 04. We love you John."

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004