Today's Headlines 8/10/04

* Op-Ed
By E Pluribus Unum
Guest Columnist
Why I am supporting George W. Bush for President.

I realize that many of you will be surprised that I am endorsing George Bush over John Kerry in the presidential election. I have ranted and raved against the Bush administration program of bankrupting the country and destroying the world on many occasions because I don't think that it's the right direction for the country at this point in history. And yes, I opposed the war in Iraq, not because I oppose war, because I love war. I just wanted to go to war with a country that was actually dangerous or an enemy, like Saudi Arabia, or Iran, or North Korea, or even France or Luxembourg. And yes I did write 138 columns about how President Bush should be impeached for infringing on civil liberties, ending enforcement of environmental regulations, lying to the nation about Iraq's WMDs, his failure to capture Bin Laden, the no-bid contracts to Halliburton, his illegal profits from his sale of Harken stock, allowing over 100 Saudis and members of the Bin Laden family to leave the country on September 13, and all that other bad crap. Oh and don't forget how I railed against the Bush position in 2001, which cut funding to a $1.4 million program that decommissioned old Soviet nuclear missiles and made the nuclear (sorry, nuculer) material unattainable and unusable by terrorists while at the same time proposed spending $100 billion on an non-functioning missile shield. Of was I ranting when I wrote that column. I have called Bush a murderer, liar, thief, tax-evader, douche-bag, fascist, lunatic, and a bad bicyclist. This morning, however, the FBI agents that monitor my column came to me and stated that if I do not endorse President Bush, that they would take my cat and give her to Bill Frist, Senate majority leader. [See related article "Frist killed pet kittens in medical school"] Therefore, upon reflection, it has become clear to me that during this time of crises the lord has chosen George W. Bush to destroy the world and bankrupt the country for a reason and who am I to question that decision.

* John Kerry announces blueprint for independence from Mid-East Oil. Plan includes drilling in ANWAR, buying Russian oil at over-inflated prices, invading Venezuela, replacing Kansas with a giant solar panel, making owning a SUV punishable by death, and a lot of walking.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004