Today's Headlines 8/8/04

* The Bush administration stated that it was not going to sanction Pakistan for allowing the Taliban to train along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. "There is no link between the Taliban and Saddam Hussein," said the White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. When questioned about the lack of toes between al Queda and Iraq and reminded that the Taliban supported al Aqueda for years, McClellan started jumping up and and down screaming. "Saddam Hussein. Saddam Hussein. The world is safer. The world is safer."

* Raising the terrorist threat level to Orange was not entirely based on information three years old and was not raised to prevent Kerry's post convention bounce. According to the Department of Homeland Security, raising the alert level was also based on seeing a dark skinned fellow who did not belong at the New York Stock Exchange. An anonymous source has stated that the individual in question was Michael Millikin who was having lunch with Dick Grasso. Howard Dean suggested today that when the administration raise the terror alert level for political purposes, that it use a different color scheme. Orange would remain the color for a real terror alert while Burnt Orange would be the alert level for a fake alert for political purposes. "This compromise would allow the president to gain political advantage from fake terror alerts, but would save our nation's cities millions of dollars that are wasted responding to these fake alerts," said Dean. Tom Ridge, Secretary of Homeland Security responded, "We don't do politics in the Department of Homeland Security, to do so would interfere with God's hand in choosing President Bush to lead us through this trying time." The terror alert was then raised to Burnt Orange.

* President Bush, responding to new polls that show his only advantage over John Kerry is his handling of terrorism, changed his campaign platform. The old platform: bankrupting the country, lying about everything, misleading the nation into war, ruining America's reputation, destroying the world, and opposition to gay marriage. The new platform: war, war, terrorism, war, terrorism, war, terrorism is bad, don't forget to be afraid, terrorism, war, war, war, and opposition to gay marriage.

* Halliburton settled a charge with the SEC that it had engaged in illegal bookkeeping practices during Dick Cheney's tenure as CEO of the company. Under the terms of the settlement agreement Halliburton will pay a $50,000 fine to the SEC, make a $7.5 million donation to the Republican party, receive a $100 billion contract to pick daisies in Iraq, pay Dick Cheney $4 million in stock options, and pay the filing fees for Ralph Nader's campaign in Florida, New Hampshire, Ohio, and Oregon. In a related story, four former finance employees who have filed a class-action lawsuit on behalf of investors who bought the company's shares are being investigated by the FBI for leaking Valarie Plame's name, lying to Congress, fraud, homosexual marriage, donating money to the democratic party, being terrorists, and suggesting that the terror alert level was raised to Orange for political purposes.

* The Bush administration is pushing to weaken a proposed new treaty aimed at expanding the current international bans on the production of weapons-grade uranium and plutonium, insisting that no provisions for inspections or verification be included. The treaty would make it harder for North Korea to go into the business of exporting plutonium and enriched uranium. The administration claims that an enforceable treaty would generate a false sense of security and that it would be easier to get other countries to sign an unenforceable one. Said one White House spokesperson, "This treaty would significantly hamper the administration's policy of destroying the world. Moreover, the administration is opposed to a false sense of security when our resources are continually being devoted to a false sense of insecurity." [Note: the Bush position on this treaty is entirely true. The only thing made up is the quote.]

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004