Today's Headlines 8/6/04

* The republican controlled congress today passed an Amendment to the Constitution that states that the President of the United States shall retain his position during wartime. The amendment abrogates presidential elections during war. Additionally, the Amendment the Twenty Second amendment would also be tolled during wartime. A proposed democratic condition that the president only wage necessary war and that the war be fought competently and honorably was defeated along party lines. Debate over the proposed amendment focused primarily on whether the "Mission Accomplished" sign meant that the amendment would not apply to the war in Iraq. Republicans noted that America is fighting a war on terrorism and that counted and that George Bush would stay president until Jenna Bush was 35. The amendment must now be ratified by three-fifths of the states to become part of the Constitution.

* George Bush announced today that he was both a wartime president and a peacetime president and that the fact that the war in Iraq, which is both ongoing and over, that he had cut taxes and reduced the deficit, and eliminated environmental regulations and made the air cleaner. John Kerry announced that the United States needed to do more to protect our nation's borders and ports. Fox news reported that this showed that President Bush is decisive and the Senator Kerry is a flip-flopper.

* Tom Ridge announced that the fact that raising the terror alert to Orange minutes after the Democratic Convention was over had nothing to do with preventing Kerry from receiving a post-convention bounce. Raising the terror alert was based on data that was collected in 2001. Ridge said, "This administration would never use the terror alert level to play politics. The insinuation is absurd. This administration would not do such a thing. We wouldn't try and amend the Constitution for political gain either. The administration also wouldn't lie about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, or name initiatives that eliminated environmental regulations "The Clean Skies Initiative" or name a program that destroys our nation's schools "The Leave No Child behind Act." This administration has restored honor and integrity to the White House! President Bush has not had a single blow job since being elected! Dick Cheney is not a Zombie Robot! There is no secret plan to capture Osama Bin Laden on October 30, 2004! No votes were uncounted in Florida! Karl Rove did not leak Valarie Plame's name to Robert Novak!" At which point Ridge passed out under the weight of his nine foot long nose.

* John Kerry announced that he was changing his website to franklinroosevelt.com. Kerry, who referred obliquely to Roosevelt in his acceptance speech learned that Franklin Roosevelt polled better against President Bush than he did. A Kerry spokesman said, "Although Kerry supporters support Kerry against Bush. Nader supporters love FDR and we are doing whatever we can to attract them to the campaign." Nader announced that he was changing his website to www.avoteformeisnotwastedandsowhatifbushisreelectedanddestroystheworld.com.





Back to Today's Headlines Archive

Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004