Today's Headlines 8/5/04

* John Kerry announced today that he had legally changed his name to Anybody But Bush. New polling data suggests that this will ultimately be beneficial to his campaign. In a match up between John F. Kerry and George W. Bush Kerry leads 49% to 47% with a 3% margin of error. However, when voters are asked to choose between George W. Bush and Anybody But Bush voters choose Anybody But Bush 105% to -5% with a plus or minus error of 5%.

* The Bush administration announced that it was raising the terror alert level to Orange anywhere John kerry has a campaign rally. "We are very concerned for Senator Kerry's safety. The Bush campaign has spend tens of millions of dollars denigrating Kerry's image and it doesn't have the time or resources to begin over with a new candidate," a Bush campaign spokesman stated. She added, "This is not a political act."

* The FBI has arrested Howard Dean for announcing sate secrets. Dean accused the Bush administration of using terrorism to manipulate the public. An FBI spokesman said that Dean was arrested for announcing state secrets during wartime.

*Fox news announced that it was endorsing George W. Bush as president and Rudolph Guiliani as Vice President. When a Fox spokesman was told that Dick Cheney was the Republican candidate for Vice President, the Fox spokesman s"aid, isn't this September 5, 2004? "Didn't Cheney step down because of a heart attack yesterday?" When told that it was August 5, 2004, the Fox spokesman announced that Fox was endorsing George W. Bush as president and Richard Cheney as Vice President.

* President Bush announced the creation of a Notional Intelligence Czar. The post, which will be held by Henry Kissinger, will be responsible for for ensuring that no one ever finds out who leaked Valarie Plames name to Robert Novak and destroying all of George W. Bush's records in the Texas Air National Guard. "The creation of this post will make America safer," said President Bush 45 times in an interview about the economy.

* The State of Alaska announced that in the interest of equity and fairness that all students who take the 8th grade standardized test will receive a score of 75%. The agreement, which requires court approval, would conclude one of several legal challenges to the high school exit exams that have been adopted in some form by about half the states. The exams have been embraced as a way of ensuring that students master the basics of a high school education before getting a diploma.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004