Today's Headlines 8/1/04

* The Kerry campaign released a statement today that the accidental exposure of Theresa Heinz Kerry's left breast at the end of the convention on Thursday night after Senator Kerry's acceptance speech was due to a balloon malfunction. The FCC is investigating the incident and expects to fine Howard Stern $4.4 million for indecency.

* John Kerry accepted the democratic nomination Thursday night while repeatedly lifting a dumbbell weighing 235 pounds over his head. "I may not have the compelling personal story of raising myself up from being a mill worker's son of John Edwards. I may not have the ability to excite people like Howard Dean. I may not have the eloquence of Al Sharpton. But I have three purple hearts and together they don't even have one. Speaking of a lack of hearts, how 'bout that Dick Cheney. What an asshole." Upon hearing that Kerry was using his three purple hearts as a sign of his bravery and ability to be President, George Bush instructed the Texas Air National Guard to issue him six purple hearts, one for every time he showed up for duty hung over and another for the time he chocked on a pretzel.

* The White House announced that the Budget Deficit will be eliminated in 2005 and would in fact have been eliminated in 2004 had John Kerry not voted to to spent $300 billion on a haircut for himself. The White House claimed that the "liberal press" was muckraking by accusing it of lying about the projected surplus and what was in fact a nonexistent vote by Senator Kerry. "The budget deficit will be eliminated in 2005 after we pass the "Strengthening Social Security and Medicare Act," said John Bolten, President Bush's budget director. The Act, which proposes completely eliminating Social Security and Medicare, would save approximately $500 billion annually.

* The Bush-Cheney camp has started attacking Senator John Edwards for having not having enough heart attacks. "A man who hasn't had two heart attacks by the time he's turned fifty cannot be trusted to be Vice President or President of the United States." Cheney, who has had three or four heart attacks depending on how you count them and has been accused of being a zombie robot, made the charge at a campaign rally in Yakima, Washington. When asked about the fact that president Bush is in the top 2% in terms of heart health, Cheney stated that President Bush's heart health was irrelevant and he was here to discuss John Edwards.

* The White House announced that the fact that economic growth had declined from 4.5% in the first quarter to 3% in the second quarter was both a sign of economic improvement because of President Bush's handling of the economy and a sign that the market was afraid that John Kerry would be elected president.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004