Today's Headlines 7/28/04

* Vice President Dick Cheney was declared mentally insane by a Federal District Court Judge in Washington, D.C. this morning. Cheney has repeatedly insisted that the United States and the world are safer because of the war in Iraq and that there were ties between Iraq and the September 11. Vice President Cheney's wife Lynne Cheney stated that all these months she thought that the statements were partisan rhetoric, but that this morning she realized that he was actually insane when he stated this morning that the tax cuts for the middle class, due to expire this year, should be extended.

* The Pentagon announced today that pop-star Michael Jackson would begin managing Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. "Jackson was able to get confessions in a weekend, what it has taken two to three months of torture by the army," said a Pentagon spokesperson. Jackson initially refused to take the position, however, the Pentagon and Bush administration agreed to put pressure on California prosecutors to drop charges in Jackson's pending criminal child abuse trial. Part of the agreement to drop charges required Jackson to endorse both John Kerry and George Bush in different political ads that the Bush reelection committee will run in different states later this fall.

* Medicare will begin administering health exams to senior citizens when they turn 65. Senior citizens who are unhealthy or who vote democratic will be denied access to further healthcare under the proposal. "This will save the government money and save senior citizen's lives," said one White House staffer.

* At the Democratic Convention last night former presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean accepted the nomination of the democratic party for president. Dean, who announced that he would go on to win after his defeat in Iowa, told the cheering crowd that he knew that he would bounce back. Dean announced his running mate would be Ralph Nader. Nader refused the nomination preferring to run a third party candidate for president and ensuring George Bush's victory in 2004, just as he had in 2000. "There is no difference between the republican and democratic parties," said Nader. "The fact that the republican party is trying to destroy the world and bankrupt this country is only a function of it being in power."

* An Egyptian diplomat was freed by his Iraqi captors after he lied to them and convinced them that he was in fact an Israeli.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004