Today's Headlines 7/27/04

* Vice President Dick Cheney released the following statement today: "Theresa Heinz Kerry's telling a reporter to shove it demonstrates that she is a f**king c**t cannot control her g*dd**n mouth. Such a d**chb*g with no f**cking control over what she says is not suited to be First Lady or part of a presidential administration.

* Al Gore announced at the Democratic Convention that he was demanding a full recount of every precinct in Florida. When asked why he did not demand such a recount earlier, Gore stated that he had not realized what a bad president Bush was going to be and that he never really wanted to be president and wanted to stay vice president forever.

* At the Democratic Convention former president Jimmy Carter pounded president Bush for going to war in Iraq for no reason, noting that he had "every reason t go to war with Iran, but did not ..., so why should the United States go to war without a reason?"

* Former president Bill Clinton surprisingly defended president Bush for lying to the American people about Iraq's nonexistent weapons of mass destruction and nonexistent ties with al Queda. "Sometimes a president needs to lie to the nation. Usually the president has very good reasons and these things should not come out."

* The White House announced today that it would adopt all the easy, cheap, noncontroversial and obvious recommendations made by the 9/11 Commission. When asked why the administration had not adopted these measures earlier, a White House spokesman stated that the administration was waiting for the Democratic Convention to begin and that further announcements would be made later this week.

* The Kerry camp has been reviewing all speeches and vetting them for anti-Bush language. For example all references to Bush's "lying to the American people about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction and ties to al Queda" would be replaced with "doing an outstanding job defending the country against terrorism." Furthermore, "destroying the environment" would be referred to as "protecting America's businesses and workers." Lastly, "presiding over one of the greatest job losses in American history" would be replaced by "the most pro-American administration since Herbert Hoover."

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004