Today's Headlines 7/26/04

* Plot of New Star wars film announced. As everyone knows the previous Star Star Wars films involved how Senator Palpatine defeated Chancellor Valorum after a contentious recount on the Planet Tatooine, governed by Senator Palpatine's brother Jabba the Hutt. In the newest film Chancellor Palpatine, declares war on the planet Naboo after the Galactic Senate was attacked by the planet Trade Federation. After the war in Naboo goes poorly for the Chancellor, and facing the prospect of being a one-term chancellor and losing the election to Bail Organa, Palpatine connives with Count Dooku and the Trade Federation to attack the Galactic Senate, postponing the election and proclaiming himself emperor.

* Iraqi insurgents announced that they would cease fighting with and shooting at foreign soldiers, but would instead kidnap them one at a time until they had them all. "American soldiers are very hard to kill. Americans love life. But they are easy to capture; we just put out a pornographic magazine and a six pack of beer," said one insurgent on the condition of anonymity.

* Democrats announce themes for this week's convention: Monday: How John Kerry is not George Bush; Tuesday: How John Edwards is also not George Bush; Wednesday: How neither John Kerry nor John Edawrds is George Bush and how their vision isn't George Bush's vision, not one little bit; Thursday: Why the country needs a president named John, not George.

* Senator Rick Santorum stated that the fact that U.S. Prison Population has reached 6.9 million was further proof that homosexual marriages need to be outlawed. A spokesman for the Senator said, "These prisoners keep procreating and making more prisoners and it is breaking the back of the criminal justice system. Imagine how many prisoners there would be if they were legally allowed to marry. It is only the prospect of raising illegitimate children that prevents prisoners from having more babies together."

* Former democratic vice presidential candidates have formed a policy conference to offer John Edwards advice on sounding more vice presidential. Joe Lieberman has suggested that Edwards sound more Jewish and more republican. Geraldine Ferraro recommended that Edwards' wife be investigated for mob ties and that Edwards should work on not only not carrying his home state for the democratic ticket, but also his home district. Sargent Shriver recommended that one of Edwards' children marry a popular republican.

* The New York Times stunned the news world today by firing its entire staff except for one person whose entire duty would be to write a blog (web log) of items she thinks should be in the news.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004