Today's Headlines 7/25/04

* Congress announced that it would be holding special hearings to discuss the hearing held by the Sept. 11 Panel. "I would normally spend August campaigning, but my constituents won't vote for me if I hold these hearings," every member of Congress said on the condition of anonymity. Congress is expected to enact several recommendation by the Sept. 11 Panel, including the following: "The CIA should check its facts before recommending a war to the president." "Dick Cheney should not be allowed access to the CIA spell-checking/auto-word-correct program." "Terrorists should not be allowed on airplanes or trains." One controversial recommendation Congress is not expected to pass was "Terrorists should not be allowed to carry firearms."

* In a legal victory for the defense, a Colorado Judge ruled that Kobe Bryant will be allowed to introduce into evidence the fact that Bryant's accuser had sex with Scott Peterson and Gary Condit the morning of her encounter with Bryant.

* In an attempt to dispel rumors that he was hatched from an alien pod, John Kerry visited his alleged birthplace, Denver, Colorado. The photo-op, however, turned against Kerry when hospital records did not show a birth taking place on the correct date, but newspaper records did show that the world's largest bean pod was mysteriously missing from a nearby farm.

* Missing computer disks from Los Alamos Laboratory have been found in Former National Security Advisor, Sandy Berger's pants. How the disks got into Berger's pants has not been disclosed, however, Berger has never been to New Mexico where the laboratory is located. The Justice Department has issued a subpoena in hopes of finding Jimmy Hoffa's body in Mr. Berger's pants.

* In the closing hours of its legislative session, Congress has passed a law denying federal jurisdiction to any law passed by a Republican majority. "This is not about partisanship, this is about preventing activist judges from undoing unconstitutional legislation passed by a Congressional majority," said Dennis Hastert and Bill Frist in a joint statement.

* New poll suggests that people beginning to think John Kerry may not be a terrorist. The Kerry camp was pleased to announce today that new polling data suggests that his campaign has begun to turn back the negative advertising by the Bush administration which had portrayed Kerry as a terrorist.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004