Today's Headlines 7/23/04

* Congress, in an effort to protect G.I.s from unethical insurance practices will now begin issuing insurance policies to all soldiers. Soldiers will be able to choose from the following beneficiaries: the Republican National Committee, Jenna Bush, the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library, Dick Cheney, and the Kenneth Law Legal Defense Fund.

* The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution blaming the Israeli Security fence for the War in Iraq, the terrorist resistance in Iraq, Saddam Hussein's WMD program, Hussein's lack of a WMD program, and global warming.

* Stephen Hawking today admitted that he was wrong about black holes and that every other physicist in the world was right about them. "Finally we know the truth about black holes," said one physicist, who had published several papers denouncing Hawking's inaccurate theories. "Hawking will surely get the Nobel Prize for this," said another physicist, whose work Hawking had said convinced him he was wrong. "Hawking's admission, in the face of overwhelming evidence, that he was wrong demonstrates his greatness as the 21st century's number one physicist," said a third.

* The Bush campaign closed its headquarters today when a kilo of cocaine mysteriously appeared in President Bush's desk. "How'd that coke get there?" asked the President, on condition of anonymity, continuing, "I mean that's not coke, it's um, anthrax. Someone call my Dad, no not my Dad. Don't call anyone it's nothing." The FBI investigation concluded that the bag of cocaine was left over from the Clinton presidency and issued indictments against former President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton. Coincidentally, the Kerry campaign was also closed when a bag of white powder that turned out to be garlic powder prevented Senator Kerry from being able to enter the office. All garlic products along with pointy wooden objects have been banned from Senator Kerry's offices ever since his marriage to his second wife. The FBI during its investigation of the incident confiscated all of the hard drives at the Kerry campaign headquarters.


by E Pluribus Unum
Guest Columnist

The Gay Divorcees

As Canada braces for the world's first gay divorce a little over a year after Canada's introduction of same-sex marriage, now is perhaps a good time to reflect on whether same-sex marriage has brought about the destruction of the world. The world still being here, leads one to the obvious conclusion that it has not. Perhaps the most ridiculous assertion, was made by the closeted gay Rick Santorum, which was that same-sex marriage would lead to an increase in (and he really said this folks) children being born out of wedlock. Perhaps Mr. Santorum needs a lesson in the proverbial birds and the bees. One of the advantages of gay sex is that they can never have child out of wedlock.

Same-sex marriage having not destroyed the heterosexual world, it seems that marriage has destroyed same-sex couples. The Canadian couple seeking divorce is a lesbian couple that had been together for ten years and then separated after five days of marriage (those are real numbers folks). Thus it become clear that marriage destroys relationships. Homosexuals shouldn't seek the right to marry, heterosexuals should seek the right not to in order to save our relationships.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004