Today's Headlines 7/20/04: Entertainment News

* The television show Friends was cancelled today after one of the main character, Ross, stated that he was going to vote for John Kerry. Although the other five main characters have stated that they are going to vote for George Bush, the show was cancelled for being partisan. The writer who wrote the joke is being held in Guantanamo Bay for questioning.

* Whoopie Goldberg has been fired from her position as spokesman for Slim Fast for stating that George Washington was the greatest president who ever lived. When asked why Goldberg was fired for such an innocuous comment a spokesman for Slim Fast noted that it wasn't that she stated she admired George Washington, but the way she said it. "She put the emphasis on the George, which was clearly meant to denigrate George Bush. Plus everyone knows that Whoopie Goldberg is black, so she should have said Abraham Lincoln, who was a Republican. Why didn't she pick a Republican? I mean it's unpatriotic."

* An airplane carrying documentary filmmaker Michael Moore was accidentally shot down by the Department of Homeland Security. When asked if the action had anything to do with Moore's controversial film Fahrenheit 9/11, Tom Ridge said, "Certainly not. This was a mistake made by our department. We also would like to not that mistakes can happen again, so the Dixie Chicks may want to avoid air travel."

* Fox announces new reality program: "Who wants to vote?" Cameras will follow around six voters, three democrats and three republicans as they vote. Three of the voters will be investigated by the FBI, tortured and killed for treason while the other three will win fabulous prizes including tax cuts.

* The FCC announced today that Howard Stern had entered into an agreement with the FCC to resolve their ongoing dispute. The FCC agreed not to fine Mr. Stern or have beaten to death if he agreed to stop using the word doodie, endorse Bush for President, and begin pronouncing the word nuclear as "nu-cu-ler."

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004