Today's Headlines 7/17/04

* Martha Stewart was sentenced to five months detention in the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. Upon hearing the news prisoners immediately filed a petition with the International Court in the Hague arguing that the detention of Martha Stewart there would violate the other prisoners' right under the Geneva Convention.

* New airport screening method released by Transportation Department. All passengers will be required to fill out a questionnaire. Sample questions released: "1. Are you a terrorist? 4. Are you going to vote for John Kerry? 17. Do you think President Bush is pretty? 28. President Bush is doing a. a superb job; b. a magnificent job; c. the best job as president since Ronald Reagan; d. I am a terrorist. 35. If a train left Baltimore at 35 miles per hour and another train left Pittsburgh at 45 miles per hour, how do we know that John Kerry would increase your taxes? 49. Saddam Hussein's capture and the war in Iraq has made America a. safer; b. safer; c. safer; d. safer." Passengers will also be required to carry matchbooks and light a cigarette when they land.

* IRS revises rules on political activities by religious charitable organizations. In order to keep tax exempt status religious organizations will now be required to endorse President Bush in the 2004 election, provide their membership lists to the Republican National Committee, and denounce all Democrats as going to hell. Special rules for Catholic churches require the refusal of communion to anyone who has ever voted Democratic or has voted for a Republican that voted against the Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage.

* Bush Administration announces the "Leave No Election Behind Act." The which provides that $50 billion is needed to ensure that the November 2, 2004 election can take place safely will be funded in the amount of $2,487.68. The other $49,999,997,512.32 would be used to pay for Kenneth Lay's defense and tax cut on caviar importation. "The November 2 election should not be postponed much past December." said John Ashcroft. The fundamental institution of voting within a democracy will not be altered unless absolutely necessary.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004