Today's Headlines 7/16/04

* Dick Cheney announced today that George W. Bush would be dropped from the ticket because of his polarizing stance against homosexual marriage. Because it is too late to hold a new Republican primary, Cheney will run as president and will if elected, continue to run the nation from the secret vice presidential bunker in Virginia. No announcement has yet been made regarding who will run as Vice President on the ticket, however, Washington insiders expect Cheney to pick Ronald Reagan. When asked if Reagan's death would be a liability to the ticket, a Republican spokesman, stated off the record that Reagan deceased could better function as a figurehead than Bush has during the past three and a half years. Preparations are already being made to prepare speeches by Reagan using file footage. Doubts about the constitutionality of a former two-term president running as vice president when Fox news broadcast that the twenty second Amendment to the Constitution had in fact been repealed.

* The Federal election Commission has prepared a contingency plan in case the United States is struck with a terrorist attack in the days before the election. In the event of a catastrophic attack, President Bush will come to Washington with the army and declare himself emperor. When asked whether that would subvert the democratic process, a White House spokesman noted that Bush declaring himself emperor was only the first stage in an very elaborate plan. On March 15, 2005 the cabinet would call a meeting with the president and stab him to death in order to restore the Republic. After this, Dick Cheney and Tom DeLay will hunt down and kill the cabinet for striking down the president. After a long and bloody war, Cheney and DeLay will rule peacefully together until a dispute over the rights of homosexuals leads to another long and bloody civil war, the result being DeLay ruling the country as emperor. John Kerry denounced the plan, then supported it, and then denounced it again.

* President Bush today in a speech stated that America was in fact safer today than it was yesterday. This caused a huge panic because of the Bush administration policy of saying everything is the opposite of what it actually is. Dick Cheney then noted that America was in fact not safer and everyone calmed down.

* Protesters of the Republican Convention in New York will be cordoned off into the Hudson. "This will address security concerns and prevent the lush lawns of New York City," stated NYC Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly. When asked whether this would adequately protect the First Amendment rights of the anti-republican protesters, Kelly stated, "I have a suspicion that five Supreme Court Justices will say that it does." At this point Kelly began laughing hysterically and ended the interview.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004