Today's Headlines 7/15/04

* President Bush picks former Senator Joseph McCarthy as new Director of the CIA. A senior White House official noted that while McCarthy's primary experience was in finding Communists. not terrorists, that McCarthy understood that the primary function of the CIA is to persecute Democrats and that calling them Communists or terrorists is really besides the point..

* Excerpts from CIA White Paper to President Bush released: "Mr. President. You are are pretty. You are much prettier than Bill Clinton, who wasn't actually that pretty. ... If you want to go to war with Iraq, you should do it, because you're pretty. ... You are a person. People listen to you and respect you. ... Dick Cheney isn't running the country, you are. Dick Cheney isn't pretty enough to run the country. ... Saddam Hussein doesn't think you're pretty at all. You should teach him a lesson...."

* Osama Bin Laden has turned himself in under the Saudi Arabian amnesty plan. A White House spokesman said, "What are you gonna do? The Saudis gave him amnesty and they're a key ally in the war on terror. I suppose they probably should have phrased the amnesty differently. But, no harm no foul."

* Israel announces new route for security fence. The new route will no longer go around Yasser Arafat's asshole, but will instead go up Chairman Arafat's asshole. "This new route will alleviate much suffering for the Palestinian people, many of whom need access to the asshole for work and other reasons," said a spokesman for the Sharon government. When asked whether the new route would compromise security, the spokesman stated that an extra checkpoint would be added at Arafat's balls.

* A measure to require homosexuals to wear pink stars and have their passports stamped "Fairy" was narrowly defeated in the senate today as a compromise measure was passed requiring all democrats to wear blue donkeys on their outermost clothes and have their passports stamped "Terrorist."

* The agriculture department released new guidelines for identifying people who have been infected with mad cow disease. Under an executive order signed by President Bush, people infected with mad cow disease will not be allowed to vote in the 2004 election. Symptoms include: donating money to; burying Bill Clinton's book "My Life"; being a homosexual; sending your children to an urban public school; and surprisingly, being a black Republican.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004