Today's Headlines 7/13/04

* The Department of Homeland Security, in an effort to simplify the color coded alert system announced that the new color scheme would be ad follows: Red, Redder, Reddest, More Read, If you don't vote Republican you will be take out and shot Red, and Curiously Red.

* Alternate version proposed for constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Version 1: "Marriage is a union between a person with a penis who has not had a sex change operation and a person with a vagina who has not had a sex change operation and any state laws contrary to that fact are null and void." Version 2: "No faggot shall be allowed to marry, vote, travel, or enter the United States of America."

* Interior Department new rule on logging requires that all forests be cut down by 2007.

* New York City plans expulsion of rats in preparation of Republican convention. "Those rats are in league with the terrorists and must be purged from our fair city to protect our republican friends," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Under the original plan a piper was hired to lead the rats to New Jersey over the George Washington Bridge. However, structural engineers realized that the Bridge would be unable to support the weight of the rats. The new plan will be to lead the rats up Interstate 95 to Connecticut. The plan will be completed before Republican conventioneers begin arriving in the City to prevent the accidental exodus of the conventioneers following the piper with the other rats.

* The CIA will be dismantled and replaced by your neighbor who will be given a much better pair of binoculars and will now issue weekly rather than quarterly briefings to the FBI and local police.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004