Today's Headlines 7/12/04

* President Bush proposed an Amendment to the Constitution that would not allow Democrats to marry. Dick Cheney, whose daughter is a Democrat, stated that while he opposed Democracy and thought that Democrats should not be allowed to marry, he would not support the measure because he did not want to alienate his daughter.

* Further Revelations From Senate Report on CIA: CIA Briefings to White House Riddled with Typos. Examples: "Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction program." was accidentally transcribed as "Iraq has stockpiles of anthrax, botulism, small pox, and six or seven nuclear missiles." Also, "Saudi Arabia funded al Queda." was mistyped as "Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden had a homosexual relationship and are working together to destroy the United States."

* US Transfers Custody of Saddam Hussein to Fashion Police. Hussein to be tried in Fashion Court with Queer Eye's Carson Kressley as prosecutor, Solicitor General, Ted Olsen, as defense attorney, and Joan Rivers as the Judge.

* Parliamentary vote in Afghanistan to be delayed until announcement of capture Osama Bin Laden in October.

* Alexander Hamilton was shot and killed yesterday by Aaron Burr. Said Burr, "I capped the mother f**ker 'cause he dissed me and you don't disrespect the Burr."

* Speakers announced for Republican convention: Joseph Goebbels, David Duke, Eric Robert Rudolph, Darth Vader, Dick Cheney, and Zell Miller.

*Speakers announced for Democratic convention: Che Guevara, Karl Marx, George McGovern, Michael Dukakis, Walter Mondale, and Dennis Kucinich

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004