Today's Headlines 7/11/04

* Florida will no longer purge black felons from voter registration lists while keeping Hispanic and white felons on the voter registration lists. New system will only purge democratic felons from voter lists while keeping republican felons on the lists. When asked what will happen to felons who are registered independent, Governor Jeb Bush stated that independent felons would be allowed to vote, but only on Diebold machines.

* John Edwards gave away his $38 million fortune to charity to solidify his standing as a populist. When asked if he would give away his fortune, John Kerry staid, "Oh no. Populism is Edwards' job on the ticket. Can't have two populists on one ticket. How would that look?" In response, Dick Cheney announced that he would double his charitable deductions this year to $145.50 over the $72.75 he gave to charity last year. George W. Bush announced that he would be giving back the $75,000 given to him by the Bin Laden family to start his first failed oil drilling business.

* The Senate Panel investigating Iraq issued a report stating the following: 1. Saddam Hussein is actually a 14 year old girl who collects daisies. 2. Iraq's army before the second Gulf War consisted of three donkeys an chicken and a bottle of aspirin. 3. The Iraqi weapon of mass destruction program consisted of a handkerchief left in Iraq by Donald Rumsfeld. 4. The CIA's investigation of Iraq consisted entirely of reading Tom Clancy novels. 5. Before the War George Tenet bet Dick Cheney $1 that he could replace the entire Iraqi investigation report with pornographic pictures without the Senate Intelligence Committee noticing. (Tenet won the bet.)

* John Kerry announced today that had he known that voting for the war would look so bad that he never would have voted for it. Kerry then announced that had he known that voting for the war would look so bad he would have voted for it anyway, but would have regretted his decision sooner. John Edwards announced that had he known that the CIA's investigation of Iraq consisted entirely of reading Tom Clancy novels that he would not have voted to go to war. Upon hearing this Kerry said, "Hey I like that. Do you mind if I use it?"

* The International Court of Justice in the Hague ruled that the Israeli Security Fence violates international law. The Court ruled that the only proper route for the fence would be along the Mediterranean Sea. Yasir Arafat stated that he was unhappy with the decision because the fence would deprive Palestinians with access to the Mediterranean for swimming vacations. Upon hearing this The Court revised its ruling to state that Palestinians would have to be compensated for losing access to the Mediterranean.

* Kenneth Lay was indicted in Houston for his role as CEO of Enron. Upon being indicted Lay stated that he was "only following orders" and that many of his "close friends" were Jewish.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004