Today's Headlines 6/12/04

* The White House announced today that the war in Iraq was justified because Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction in his heart. The Bush administration also announced that no one was killed in Iraq today. Scott McClellan, the White House press secretary said, "La la la la la la la. I can't hear you."

* The Department of the Interior will be renovating the face of Mount Rushmore. As part of the renovation the current faces (George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and Teddy Roosevelt) will be modernized and replaced with Ronald Reagan, George Herbert Walker Bush. George W. Bush and Leo Strauss.

* Halliburton will be raising gasoline prices to $5.00 a gallon. "Dick Cheney could not bear the immorality of gasoline selling for a penny lower," one spokesman said.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger and Planet Hollywood will be catering the Republican National Convention.

* Four jurors were removed today for having illicit affairs with Scott Peterson. "Oh yes, I think he killed his wife," said one of the dismissed jurors. "But I can't resist a bad boy."

*John Kerry announced today that he was "somewhat opposed" to the Bush administration's policy of trying to destroy the world. "I take strong positions and I stick to them," said Kerry. In a later interview Kerry clarified his position and noted that he is only "slightly opposed" to the Bush administration's policy of trying to destroy the world.

* Dick Cheney stated today that he never said there was a connection between Iraq an al Queda, that he never worked for Halliburton, that he never had a heart attack, and that he wasn't hiding on 9/11.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004