Today's Headlines 6/20/04

* Laura Bush makes President sleep on the couch because he has not found Osama Bin Laden.

* More Justice Department memoranda have been found that were hidden behind the big blue curtain that covers Lady Justices Boobies. Memos include "How Finding Osama Bin Laden in October 2004 will be good for America"; "Misleading the American Public about the Link between Iraq and al Queda is not Illegal, No Not One Little Bit"; "Medical Marijuana Causes Global Warming"; and "Tampering with the Diebold Machines in Ohio is an Act of Patriotism"

* Kerry announces that he will hold egg toss to determine who he will choose as Vice President. Dick Gephardt whines, "But we usually have a fund raising contest."

* Democrats announce Platform for 2004 Convention. However, due to mix up at printer, Democratic platform will be: "Bach is Evil!"

* Bush announces plan that will increase the minimum wage by 2010. Plan is called the "Helping working family initiative." Plan will increase minimum wage be three cents over six years. Increase to be offset by $196 billion tax cut for large corporations and a 10% increase in employee insurance payments.

* "Helping working family initiative" gets bogged down in Republican-led conference committee. New version of bill eliminates the minimum wage and cuts taxes to large corporations by $198 trillion. Government now owes Halliburton $35 trillion in back tax refunds.

* GOP announces that initiative to portray John Kerry as a waffler backfired as most voters had not heard of Kerry before the ads, which they misunderstood to mean that he likes waffles, a position held by 67% of all Americans.

* Clinton admits in autobiography that he took anti-depressants, which caused him to commit suicide as a teenager.

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Copyright Lawrence D. Weinberg 2004